Dear Human,

We really need to have a talk about the things you get me for Christmas. I do not like squeaky toys quite as much as you seem to think I do. Here, however, is a list of things that I do like and would very much like to receive this year.

  1. A bed. Not a dog bed. I have one of those. I do not want that. I want my own human bed. And I want you to sit on it with me so that you can pet me. However, onmy bed, you cannot force me to move when I “steal” the pillow. Also, on my bed, once I have appropriately rearranged the covers to my liking, you cannot “make” the bed again.
  2. A pet. Do you remember that a few years ago we lived in a house with many mice? I liked them. They were my friends. And then I ate them. I would like more. Mice, frogs, and spiders would all be acceptable.
  3. An additional steering wheel in your car. I want to sit on the side with the steering wheel. Every time I do, you insist that I move. I want my own steering wheel. If you get me a steering wheel, I promise I will stop touching the gear shift while you are driving. Probably. The window and mirror controls are still fair game, though.
  4. A trash can. You used to leave the trash can at a height that I could reach. I think you have moved it because I cannot see it anymore.  Please put it back or get me my own. I like to work on apartment decorating while you are gone and if you get me my own trash can I promise to have its contents artfully scattered about the room by the time you return.

    High Art
    This is one of my best art installations. If you put back the trash can, I can do more.
  5. Crampons. You know, those little metal spikes mountain climbers wear on their boots? I need some. This ice-like surface you call “hardwood floor” is patently unsafe. One should not live on something so slippery. However, since you seem to like living on a surface that offers approximately the same walking stability as treading on a slug (like the one I ate yesterday), the least you can do is find me some crampons. I would advise you to purchase some as well.
  6. My own toilet bowl. One without a lid. You keep putting the lid down, making the best water in the house completely inaccessible to me. This is unfair. Having my own lidless toilet bowl would remedy this injustice.
  7. Books. I do not think that you understand how books are to be used, but I would like more anyway. You seem to think that you should stare at books when in fact they are to be used as pillows. I have tried my hardest to communicate this to you by lying on top of or putting my face in front of any book that you stare at for too long. Someday you will understand.
  8. A poop sampler platter. Please include cat, dog, sheep, and chicken samples. I would also appreciate the inclusion of some of my own samples. I know that you have them because I have seen you pick up my poop and put it into a bag (you weirdo).
  9. Presents for my friends. As a dog, I find gift wrapping rather challenging. Thus, I would appreciate if you would procure and wrap the following presents for my dog friends:
  • A dead fish for Taigo. Taigo greatly enjoys rolling in dead fish. (Note that fish must be at least a few days old.)
  • A pile of socks for Matty. Ideally, the socks should be worn and smelly.
  • A chipmunk for Bailey. Specifically, this gift should be deposited inside Bailey’s house. She thinks that if the chipmunk is indoors, she will finally be able to catch it. This gift probably does not need to be wrapped.

Thank you for considering my requests.



Note: This article was originally published on I know it’s completely off-topic in terms of what I usually post here, but it was fun so I put it up. Plus, Charlotte demanded that I repost it.

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